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Tonight my wife took the kids away. I put a martini in the freezer, walked the dog, completed the martini, made myself an exceptional steak dinner with home grown veg and an extremely good bottle of red wine which I finished while watching The Elephant Man for the first time. I win Tuesday.

Films whose sequels make no sense. Gandhi 2 #nonsensesequels

This is annoying.

Absolutely despicable online dictatorial policing. Imagine wanting to interact with *those* people. This is why I insist on working/socialising/holidaying with people I find intensely objectionable. Like any sensible lunatic. 🤪

Popping down to Rochester for a last quick Edinburgh preview tonight. Here’s the poster. And the ticket link: wegottickets.com/f/23871

Oh no! Not Dickie too!? Say it ain’t so. Clearly a vendetta by the Establishment, scared of liberty, democracy and free speech. And in no way a cabal of right wing grifters who’ve been fraudulently larking about in public view for the last decade. How dare you suggest their pants are on fire? 🔥🔥🔥

I mean awful, obviously, but I genuinely wasn't aware there WAS a legal limit for cocaine. 🤔 I guess they do things differently in Dunfermline.

It does look as though the main problem Andy Burnham is going to face is that despite his promises to try & fix the country, it will inevitably involve a lot of people with more money than they can ever spend having to give up some of it. And as they will tell their editors, that will never do.

This is the sort of thing I’d like to be able to say, but unfortunately it would be abundantly clear I didn’t have a fucking clue what I was talking about.

I mean, imagine getting played by Hamas, Netanyahu, Iran, Putin and China all at the same time. That is some kind of achievement.

Trump claims agreement for ‘complete disarmament’ of Hamas in Gaza but support uncertainUS president’s Board of Peace hails ‘critical step’, but responses of Israeli and Hamas officials suggest disagreements remainwww.theguardian.com

Quite funny to see UEFA doing a Clacton to FIFA’s Farage.

WOW! Can’t believe this came through on the same day I was booked to host the entire new series of Live at the Apollo and get paid DOUBLE what they’ve ever paid anyone else! The same week I won TWO houses AND the Lottery!!! Truly unbelievable. No. Really. Truly. Unbelievable. O.M.A.Z.I.N.G! 🎉🥳🙌

The thing I love about documentaries ‘that seek to determine’ things is when they put the words ‘Great’ and ‘Myth’ in the title to prove they hadn’t decided on their conclusions before they did their research.

I feel Andy Burnham has an excellent opportunity to unite the country here by inviting @countbinface.bsky.social to join the talks.

And here, in one paragraph, is why The Telegraph is no longer a serious paper. It’s much easier when you can blame everything on the poor, the immigrant, the shirker, the foreigner - no matter how fictional they may be. But when it’s your own granny it gets a lot trickier.

Oh I Wish I’d Looked After My Teeth. The movie.

Michael Jackson Comendo PicocaALT: Michael Jackson Comendo Picocastatic.klipy.com

The fact is, the beauty of the World Cup has always overshadowed the ugliness behind it. That is no longer guaranteed. Time to boycott FIFA as that is the only power footballing nations have.

Further thoughts: Also had fun with the Monty Python bits and the way it turned into Moana for a bit at the end. Knock forty minutes off and it would be a doozy.

Tonight! (And it’s even got my picture on the tickets now, so you definitely won’t think I was in STP. 🐴 🤛💨 ) wegottickets.com/f/18706/

International Comedy Edinburgh Previews 2026Every year we present a selection of the top shows warming up before heading North to the Edinburgh Festival. Your ticket entitles you to see both full shows for less than the price of one in Edinburg...wegottickets.com

Saw The Odyssey tonight and I’d just like to say I particularly enjoyed the way it annoyed Elon Musk.