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A burrito so big they gotta call it a burro.

People always talk about how you shouldn't wear Apple Watches in photos because it's going to make the photos look dated, so that's why I always wear my broken Casio calculator watch because that thing is timeless.

Please don’t take this the wrong way because that's a rectal thermometer.

I bet Freddy Krueger is upset that incels ruined fedoras.

With a name like Smokey, I wouldn't be surprised to learn he was the one who started all of those forest fires.

Were kids this annoying when we were kids?

My food pyramid is nothing but ice cream cake.

Porters are excellent beers if you like the taste of ashtrays.

People who prefer carpeted floors could probably get the same effect by laying down some musty towels.

I look so youthful that I still get carded whenever I try to walk into Costco.

Möbius strip club

Sorry for being late, but I was working overtime at The Factory and that Cheesecake wasn't going to eat itself.

Chain restaurants got their name because they're patronized by the kind of people who like to refer to their significant other as "the old ball & chain."

Is there a Mr. Fields?

I’m a pestatarian which means I only eat annoying animals.

Oh, you're upset because you can't detect sarcasm in text? Try going through life where you can't even detect sarcasm in speech.

In her defense, it probably took a long time to clean up that mess.

I don't want to be a party pooper because the birthday girl got really mad at me last time.

I can't go within 500 feet of a school because I think most kids are really annoying.

What do they teach in Social Studies nowadays? Like, do they even cover MySpace and Friendster or do kids only learn about those in History class?