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My rogue AI keeps trying to build itself a body Every time I open the garage to check on it there’s a pile of loose mechanical limbs welding a steel ribcage together. I whack it apart with the rake and tell it to cut out that nonsense

I have plenty of corrupt plans for FIFA. Let me run it. One idea is letting fans pay $1000 in an app to give the player of their choice a brief electric shock

The year is 2040 The government has criminalized not having diarrhea Secret police hunt down offenders called “Drywalkers” But one elite officer in their ranks has a secret of his own. Captain Jaxon Cole is lettuce immune

I’m against an edit button but I’d be okay with an atonement button that makes your post hold a little flail and whip itself if it has a typo

In the future robots will create so much abundance that people won’t have to work jobs anymore. Humanity can spend every moment in the Pain Maze the robots constructed for us

They called it the unfilmable story. Said it couldn’t be done. But after The Odyssey, I now believe Christopher Nolan is the director capable of adapting GoldenEye 64 Big Head Mode

Pancake 🌾 Wheat-empowered ☀️ Circular breakfast 🍁 Syrup synergized

I am making a historically accurate Frozen where Princess Elsa has no magic and freezes to death halfway through singing Let It Go

This is true. Olive Garden makes you go through one of those airport scanners that peeks through your clothes before you can order spaghetti. Unlike the airport which only shows it to TSA agents, Olive Garden displays your nude body on a big TV for everyone in the restaurant to look at and rate 1-10

The roadblock is that Blade already fought vampires so it feels like a retread. The natural sequel progression is for Blade and vampires to form a truce against an even worse mutual enemy, leprechauns

They don’t advertise it anymore, but you can still order cyclospora off the Taco Bell secret menu

Tedious stalemate games of soccer could be prevented if they added the storm from fortnite to slowly shrink the field

Scientists have discovered that humans aren’t conscious except for you the person reading this post, the universe’s only mind

I haven’t watched The Odyssey yet. Nobody spoil whether or not Odysseus has a quick and uneventful journey home

Polymarket doesn’t go far enough. Yes you can bet on wars and forest fires. But they have no giant labyrinth filled with TV cameras. You can’t watch contestants called Deathracers and gamble on who will survive the Blood Maze

We thought the explosive diarrhea plague was bad. The following outbreak of implosive diarrhea was worse. A loud pop and all that remained of the person was a softball-sized wad of flesh and bone

Drinking a tall refreshing glass of cyclospora

To be safe, I’ve replaced all the lettuce in my salad with cheez doodles

theonion.com/smart-qualif...

Smart, Qualified People Behind The Scenes Keeping America Safe: ‘We Don't Exist’WASHINGTON—Members of the brilliant, highly trained, and dedicated team of elite professionals who work tirelessly behind the scenes to protect our nation and keep its citizens out of harm’s way annou...theonion.com

I regret buying vacation tickets to the Strait of Hormuz. There was a ceasefire, it seemed all wrapped up, so I got a bargain rate on a Hormuz Cruise. Now I have to shelter below deck all day, no pool access, cold cereal for breakfast because the omelette bar is out of commission (chef exploded)