*ahem* If YOU would like to learn how cryptic crosswords work by watching a comedian grumpily drag his way through them on a daily basis, go to twitch.tv/brainmage at 2.30pm UK time today, and join a lovely and silly group of people who are RESOLUTELY unhelpful in my struggles.
Since I apparently cannot be stopped, now I'm learning how cryptic crosswords work. There must be at least one noble gas geochemist on this site who would be pleased to find that their field lends itself to such a clue.